Are You Reluctant To Share Your Burdens With Others?

 

Today, I want to share a conversation I recently had with Veronica about whether we should be forthright or polite when asked how we are doing. This is an important question for many Christians who want to live with honesty and integrity but don’t want to burden others.

 

VERONICA 

A question has been on my mind for a few days now, and I would love your perspective. To start off—it isn't good to complain, right? And people, in general, don't like people who complain a lot. Plus, it's not healthy to complain.

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At the same time, it's not good to be dishonest. So, when you have longer periods of time when you aren't doing well and someone asks you "How are you doing today?" for a few days in a row, should you answer with "I'm fine" (and would that be dishonest and inauthentic?) or with "I'm not doing all that well" (and risk becoming a broken record of complaints)?

 

BR. GILES

Your question is a good one, and it can be answered on several levels.

 

First of all, this is a personal question for me because I have lived with chronic pain for many years. It has been maddening for me to be asked, “How are you?” when I know the person asking doesn’t really want to know. Then, when a friend asked that question, I tended not to want to answer because I didn’t want a torrent of emotions, such as anger, bitterness, sadness, and fear, that I was holding back from being dumped on them.

 

With that in mind, I’ve learned that, in general conversation, when people ask "How are you?", it's often a polite way of saying "Hello." In this case, asking after another's welfare does not imply a request for a list of problems or blessings. A simple "I’m okay" is all that is expected.

 

Second, when that question is asked by a friend, the context changes. When a friend asks, “How are you?” the question should really mean, "I want to know." In the context of real friendship, it is not "complaining" to answer honestly and truthfully, not even when your answer sounds like a broken record, “Not well…not well…not well…”

 

Generally speaking, it isn't complaining when you give a straight answer to a friend's question. It's responding with trust. When a friend asks, "How are you?" it would be, in fact, disrespectful for that friendship not to answer honestly. It isn't that the friend can necessarily do anything to help; it's that the question implies, "I care about you." An honest–and loving–answer says, "I trust you with my joys and pains."

 

VERONICA

Does this mean that in the first case, when you say “I’m okay,” you are being dishonest? And should we be dishonest because that is the “expected/appropriate” social answer?”

 

BR. GILES

That’s another excellent question. To answer it, I would say that I don’t think we need to frame our answers only in terms of “honesty/dishonesty”. We could also frame them in terms of “This is just a polite social inquiry. What is a polite way to respond?” 

 

VERONICA

That makes sense.

To your first point, when someone asks "How are you?" as a polite way of saying "Hello”, how do you know if they meant it as Hello or something more? Do you err on the side of caution and assume they were just being polite/formal?

 

BR. GILES

Again, I think it depends on the context. A "casual" friend might not want to know, but a good friend, one you can trust, probably does want to know. It's not a dumping when it's a good friend you can trust who is asking.

 

VERONICA

How would you know when you aren’t dumping on someone?

 

BR. GILES

Dumping on someone is just that: it’s when someone throws all their pent-up anger, fear, and sadness on others because they are not really dealing with their pain very well. They simply want others to feel it.

 

But if you tell a friend of your pain because you trust them and want to honor their concern with your honesty, then there is nothing wrong with that. "Bear one another's burdens" is a directive in the Bible.

 

VERONICA

To your second point:“An honest answer says ‘I trust you with my joys and pains.’”—when does the answer (the repeated answer of “I’m not doing well”) become just an emotional dump that overburdens the friend?

 

BR. GILES

I think that question can be answered by looking at the relationship with the person you trust. How is the person you are talking to handling what you say? Is sharing your burdens with them wearing them down? Are they able to be sympathetic and show that they care?

 

I also think there’s a big difference between “I’m not doing well,” even when it’s repeated, and going into great and juicy detail about all the hurts, sorrows, and resentments we feel in our lives. If you feel bad about repeating “I’m not doing well,” then perhaps one can ask the question: “Am I being silent because I don’t want to burden others anymore, or is it that I’m unhappy because I’m not making the progress with my problems that I think I should?”

 

VERONICA

You’re saying there is a context to everything, even to the Bible directive of bearing one another's burdens.

 

BR. GILES

There is always a context! For example, someone may be feeling intense pain and maybe doesn't want to share it because a part of them says "They won't care anyway?"

 

VERONICA

Yes, I think in cases when one thinks, “They won’t care anyway?”, they will stick to “I’m fine” as a response to the question “How are you?” and not think about it much.

 

BR. GILES

The problem with that statement is that one may not think about it much, but the pain is still there. Ignoring it will cause calluses to grow on one's soul. A callused soul doesn’t feel much (or sometimes any) pain, but it also can’t feel love. Or give it.

 

VERONICA

That makes sense. 

Switching to people who would care, I sometimes ask myself, “Would sharing be the right thing to do?" and "Will they still want to talk to me if I constantly share the negative stuff?"

 

BR. GILES

Sharing your pain with someone who cares is the right thing to do for two reasons. 

 

1) It follows the biblical injunction "Bear one another's burdens." Remember, Simon of Cyrene was asked to carry Jesus’ Cross for Him. Christ could have called down legions of angels to help Him, but He allowed the Roman authorities to have a man do it. He wanted to leave us an example, not to be afraid to allow others to help.

 

2) It's respectful and caring to trust another with your burdens.

 

Now, let’s be honest: some people choose to carry their burdens alone.

 

VERONICA

Yes, that is true. We might often decide to carry our burdens alone, wanting to protect ourselves from even more pain. Other times it might be just thinking this is the “right” thing to do—"it’s my problem so why should I dump it on someone else who has their own problems” kind of thinking.

 

BR. GILES

Yes, many people do that today. It leads to isolation and a lack of meaningful friendships and authentic connection, which affects God’s Family and wounds love. 

 

It can sound noble or even altruistic (“I don't want to make someone else’s life harder”), but it can do more harm than good. It can rob us of the opportunity to grow in love, mercy, and healing, and it can rob others of the opportunity to grow in love for us as well.

But honestly, I think it’s better to have people in your life who care enough to listen and help you carry your burdens, even if you don’t think you “need” them to do this. It’s an act of love to help another person. It’s also an act of love to allow another person to help us.

 

Now, in regard to protecting oneself from more pain, well, at some point, we will have to feel it, whether here on earth or in the next world, either in Purgatory or Hell.

 

VERONICA

Yes, that’s true. Many of us have a tendency to run away from pain, and some even go to great lengths to avoid it, ignore it, or numb it.

 

BR. GILES

Yes, and it sets us up for failure and even sin in our lives.

 

Here's the point: Life hurts. Sometimes it hurts a lot. But sharing ourselves more deeply is an act of love. It’s what makes life worthwhile.

 

If people push you away or hurt you, it's okay to let it hurt. And it's okay to share that hurt with someone who cares. At the same time, it is important to remember that even if it hurts, we can still be okay. God can heal those wounds and restore us; He wants to help us through that pain. Sometimes, He wants to do that through another. Yes, being in pain is awful, and it can be excruciatingly hard, but that pain is not the end. That’s the message of the Cross.

 

VERONICA

Yes, that is a lesson so many of us need to learn.

 

BR. GILES

That’s true for all of us. In growth, there is always a "two steps forward, one step back" dynamic.

 

VERONICA

The perfectionist in me hates that!

 

BR. GILES

The perfectionist in me hates it too!

 

But God knows we’re working at growth. We’re learning. We just need to keep working at it. And not to be afraid to love.

 

Sometimes opening up makes the pain more real, and we think it's not worth it because it brings up all sorts of other pain we’d been ignoring. But that's how friends grow in love for one another. Opening up more deeply to one another is how we open up more deeply in love. Again, that’s the message of the Cross. 

 

Opening up more deeply in love to another sometimes means opening up more deeply to our own pain. But that's what love is, when we allow another to see what's inside us.

 

VERONICA

I agree with what you said about love and pain... and I will add that it's complicated!

 

BR. GILES

I don’t think it’s love that is complicated; it’s how we can bring it forth into action that is complicated.

 

Here is another thought: drawing close to another person can bring up all sorts of issues we didn't know we had because we'd ignored those issues. Then we push the other person away and think of it in terms of boundaries. But the problem isn't a boundary issue if we push them away because we are trying to avoid all the things inside of us that we had been ignoring. The problem is that we don't want to deal with the fact that we have more issues than we'd thought. The perfectionism and the pride in us doesn't like that at all!

 

Now, in terms of friendship: I think that if people have a history where they know they can trust one another, then they can face life’s issues "together." I put that in quotes because one person may only be able to be a sympathetic and caring listener to the other's working through the issue. "I may not be able to help you with this. ‘All’ I can do is care, see you, accept you, and love you where you are." But it’s in that "all I can do is care" that healing occurs.

 

So yes, it's a challenge to open up and be vulnerable and intimate with another person, but it's in that vulnerability and intimacy that we learn and experience love. It's in intimacy that we learn that we are loveable because (much to our surprise) we find that someone might love us, with all our faults and weaknesses, with all of our pain, and even our sins and brokenness. For many of us, who lie in our beds of loneliness, that comes as a shock!

 

 

 

Veronica and I think this is a good place to remind everyone that we should practice this intimacy and vulnerability with the Lord in our prayer. He died for us on the Cross; He knows all our weaknesses and sufferings, and like any good friend, He loves to hear us talking to Him. Even if we “complain.” 

 

To help our readers picture this, I have written some stories from a mythical town called Little Cana. It’s a place where Jesus, His Mother, and various Saints have been known to visit in person. I chose the name “Little Cana” because Cana is the place where, according to Scripture, Jesus first revealed His glory. It is my hope that people who read it will make their hearts, their homes, and their families into Little Canas, places where Jesus reveals His glory in the modern world.

 

What Veronica and I want to leave you with is that there is nothing wrong with sharing our struggles (and joys, too; we so often avoid sharing our joys as well, fearing our joys and blessings would hurt the other person) with those we care for and who care for us. Love, joy, hope, yes, all of those things, but pain too. 

 

Think of it this way: when Jesus died on the Cross, He wasn’t only paying the price for our sins. He was also sharing His pain with us.

God’s blessings be with you, today and always.